It's A Miracle....

You know, it truly is a miracle that people find it in their hearts to start families. People who come from broken and abusive homes actually want to have a family. I should know I'm one of them. Today I had an argument with my sister (one of many) and she kindly told me that I am a waste of space, that's doing nothing with her life. Isn't she the best?? The real incredible thing is that as soon as she left and I cooled down the only thing I thought of was, that I don't want my daughters to be shitty to each other the way mine is with me.

It makes me want to cry.

What kind of sister kicks you when you're down???

Sure I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'm trying to figure it out. I just don't know where to start looking.

I have a negligent father, a verbally abusive mother, an indifferent brother, and a bitch of a sister.

I still want a family, maybe because I want to show my self that it can be different. Maybe because I'm not loved enough, not understood enough, not needed or wanted enough. I don't know. But I want a family I can call my own.

A miracle, I swear that's what it is.

Yours truly....

Do you relate?

In the past few weeks I've been riding a The Mental-Meltdown Rollercoaster.

Yes, I shouldn't be letting you in on this, but I rather be riding my Happiness-Rainbow Bound Unicorn instead. And I haven't had the heart to sit here and type to bitch and moan about life* getting in the way of Life*.


So, besides this half-hellish week I had, what else can I tell you? You know what? Everytime I write I want it to be meaningful. I want to make you think, make you feel. I want to somehow relate to you, bond with you in a way that makes words enough.

I want you to relate to the things I have to say. To mutely listen. To understand that there's something bigger than us, and that we are a part of it. And whoa I just realized that I started to ramble. I guess maybe, sometimes words aren't enough.

I think I can tell you I've received a few metamessages from the Universe. It's (not ironic, but I still can't find the word for it...) how sometimes things just 'pop' out of nowhere and cross your path in that dubious form of 'signs', repeating or strengthening-- echoing the thought that was already forming in your mind.

Forcing you to think harder, to see beyond that microscopic sliver of hope, or chance. Setting you back or pushing you forward, but getting in your face. Making a point to get in your face from different angles.

"You have to do what you want, no matter what", "Follow your heart, follow your dreams", "Be happy", Currently it just happened with a song that started playing: 'Stuck in a moment' U2).
Sometimes it's easier than we think (I can attest to that) but there's always something (or someone holding us back, that we urgently need to get rid of) in order to be truly happy and do the things we want to do.

I hope that those of you who can do it, will take my advice.

I love you, whoever you are, and I appreciate you taking the time to read this. Thank you.

Love, Always.

Tixah

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1* Life: The life you're living.
2* Life: The life you want to live.
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You are lost without your dreams... Give me a sign. Remady Ft. Manu-L