Weekly ramble.

It's been happening again lately, that my mind wanders to places far away, and sometimes, not that far, but simply so deep inside itself, that my focus and concentration are hard to reach.

This week has been... interesting <--- that, is certainly NOT the word I am looking for. It's been, weird. Long, Broke, Confused, Messed up, Tired, (And I think I just went on from describing my week, to describing, oh say, me), Cranky. It has something to do with Hormones, but I think it's unfair to blame it all on them.

The most I've been is torn and confused, but then again, a small conversation with my cab driver of the day... Yes, I do listen to them from time to time, help from some good music, re-reading an old blogpost, and deciding to send everything to hell and beyond, I think I'm getting somewhere. Or so I hope, and I do hope.

Today's the day when my life changes. Again, just a little more. But what are we without change, challenge, conquers, dreams, hope, and vision?

An empty shell.

Trials and errors...

I've had that phrase in my mind for the past few days. Glued to my mind. It's my waking thought. Almost. At least, it's my most permanent and constant thought. Everyday I walk into the agency (where I am currently doing my -first- three month intership, in hopes they'll hire me) and I am challenged with coming up with strategies, giving ideas, being the new girl and doing a good job, fresh faced and sharp eyed, full time.

I have to battle with my tiredness, the constant lack of sleep that I've brought on myself -mind you, I am NOT complaining- because I'm still working somewhere else (my brother's bar) also full time, the night shift. I am getting by with 4-6 hours of sleep every night, which is not nearly enough for me, and my foggy brain, which is already used to a nice dose of 8-10.

I have welcomed the change. It's something I needed. An urge etched deep within my bones, a thought that hasn't left my mind for over a year, still hasn't. I've made it my drug, and like a junkie, I need more. I need change.

I need MORE change. I need to cut ties, to grow my wings, spread them and fly. Fly as far away from this nest, as I know my wings can take me.

I know I sound... dissatisfied. I am. I am dissatisfied with the way I feel, the way my life has not progressed in a while, and the way I still go back to feeling that way. The sad part, is that I just realized that I relate that feeling to someone. A very specific and quite important person in my life.

I am aware that it sounds bad. It is bad, but I feel smothered. I keep on hearing how I should grow and grow up, how I should make my own path and go down that road. And yet, every time I try there's always some harsh comments behind it. I feel like it's not an option for some people to see me move forward. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. Only what they do.

I need to cut some ties. Sadly these are ties that can't be cut. Is there any other way to deal with them? I don't know. If there is, I still haven't figured it out, but I am sure I will. After all, no one holds the answers to your life like you do, and everything you ever need to know about yourself is within you. I just need to learn how to read them and trust myself. Because no one ever will like I can.

The good thing is, that I know I can make it. And I will, because I can't live with myself otherwise. There's many things in my way, and most of those things, are great things, designed just for me. Godsent.

I'm gonna make it mine,* because it's mine to make.

Love Always,
to infinity and beyond,

Tixah

*Jason Mraz - Make it Mine. I highly recommend this cheerful, hopeful, free spirited, and mood improving song.

Semicrisis

Tengo mucho que no escribo. Lo sé. Hasta Checo (que nunca ha leido mi blog...) me lo dijo. Y tiene tooooda la razón. De hecho ha sido una inconformidad a la que le he estado dando vueltas en mi cabeza. Llevo semanas pensando en qué escribir, y no encuentro. No daba pie con bola, por así decir.

Mientras iban pasando los dias, luego las semanas y creo que hasta el mes... Se me iban ocurriendo varias cosas las cuales rapidamente descartaba por desgane y falta de continuidad cerebral y desconcentración; Maravillosa desconcentración.

Ahora, en este momento no sé si estoy concentrada, pero estoy en crisis, lo cual bien puede hacer que yo me inspire y\o me concentre, dependiendo la situación y el momento. He estado un poco ocupada (lo cual no es excusa suficientemente buena como para yo dejar de escribir, pero hice un compromiso conmigo y con mi blog v 3.0), y este era que si no tenia algo bueno, coherente e interesante que decir, no lo haría. Aunque en este momento no estoy segura de que me importe mucho.) pero aquí estoy, en mi hora de almuerzo, posponiendo el hambre, las ganas de comer y la poca sanidad mental que me queda y que me elude.

Es increible como ciertas cosas pueden mandarte a un rinconcito dentro de tí misma que habías pensado que ya no existía. Como te entra ese miedito irracional, que te para-- que no permite que pienses o actúes dentro de 'la normalidad' dentro de tu normalidad. La que has creado para tí y para los demás a lo largo de tu existencia. Es tedioso saber que hay ciertas cosas que aun viven en ti y aun más dificil aceptarlo. Saber que esa parte de tu 'crecimiento' y 'madurez' son sólo una ilusión vaga e incierta. Un fantasmita que puede visitarte cuando menos lo esperas y matarte (o intentarlo...) de un susto.

Pero ya, todo eso terminó, y por ahora aquí estoy. Bien, calmada. Normal.

Lo que sea que eso quiere decir.

Un millón de besitos,
Tiziana 'Normal' / Tixah