Hoy ha sido uno de esos días raros

Hoy ha sido uno de esos días raros.

Despertarse con sentimientos y recuerdos que uno no quiere tener. O talvez si… No imagino mi vida sin ellos.  Pero hoy,  precisamente hoy, es más difícil. No es que no quiera pensar en ti, no es que no quiera tener tus recuerdos, es que hoy, con la lluvia, el frío, la tristeza acumulada... en lo único que puedo pensar es en tus brazos. En tu boca, en descansar mi cabeza sobre tu pecho y escuchar el latido de tu corazón latir al compás del mío. En despertar contigo, en pasar la mañana acariciando tu espalda, en besarte hasta que no haya ningún pensamiento en mi cabeza, hasta que borres todas las palabras que puedan salir de mi boca, excepto el suspiro de tu nombre.

¿Entiendes ya porqué se me hace tan difícil?

Porque despertar en esta grande cama gélida y vacía, sin escuchar tu voz, sin sentir tu calor, sin oler tu piel, sin ver tu hermosa y pícara sonrisa, me trae al presente; a la realidad.

La triste realidad de que no te tengo. Que no eres mío.

Y que todos estos sentimientos los tengo, y están atados a mi corazón y a mi garganta, en la forma de un nudo del tamaño de un puño, que en momentos… tal como este, no me deja respirar. No me permite levantarme y caminar sin tropezar. Sin llorar en la ducha, sin pensar en ti.

Hoy ha sido uno de esos días raros en que me doy cuenta de que te llevo en mi más de lo que me gustaría admitir.

Tiziana Bardellino

A Script or a Life?

So,

Sometimes I sit here and wonder about all the things that happen to me and all those that don't.

Is it all scripted? Is my Life a story someone else wrote? My 'destiny'... Have I no business in changing it or do 'I make the path'? Is everything I do written and the Universe just sits back with a big bowl of Extra Buttered Popcorn to watch the movie of My Life?

It's senseless to think so.

It's absolutely not worth it if that was the case; because then, every effort, every experience, every struggle, every win, every action, was planned and panned out for me to just... play them.

Where's the fun in that? Where's the sense in that?

Where's the learning? Where are the lessons? If everything was already mapped out and I just follow my destiny, what do I learn? when will I ever learn?

I've been a little slow in making my path lately; lethargic. I've just recently woke from a year-long repressed, uncomfortable, restless, stagnant slumber. Some parts of me have still not woken up from this slumber, but I'm getting there. Whether by crawling, day Dreaming, Osmosis, or any form of Quantum Physics, I don't care; I'm getting there.

Apparently, for now, this is where I'm supposed to be, and whatever I'm doing, is exactly what I ought to be doing. So 'doing it', I am. I'm sure that there will be lessons, tips, pointers, memories and a whole buncha' stuff I need to learn from all of this.

I haven't been writing a lot, and the things I have written I haven't considered them postworthy, so I haven't (posted them). There's this gap between Heart and Mind that I'm trying to fill, and I'm writing my way to it. I'm Slowly paving that road to Clarity, which is what I'm asking for; to Unity of Self. I'm pretty sure that's what I need. As soon as I achieve that Clarity, 'The Path' will come to be. But the hard work is up to me. No one can make that path for me.

*Since I'm sitting in the Director's chair, I've cut some parts out of the original, but that's pretty much how Movie Making works.

**Special Thanks to Michele Brivio, no se me olvida la conversación que tuvimos, gracias. Esto es parte del resultado, like I said, means a lot to me, and the things you said inspired my want and need to write and post :)

Love Always,

Tixah

Pensar o Sentir?

No entiendo porque a veces la vida se complica tanto. Es una tonteria para muchos. Para aquellos que viven, para aquellos que no paran, para aquellos quienes no miran atrás y piensan. Esas personas son las que creen que uno siente que la vida es una tragedia, que somos unos quejones y que no hacemos nada para mejorar nuestra propia situación.

Yo soy una de las que piensan. Siempre pienso. TODO. Analizo y diseco cada cosa que vivo. Especialmente en esos momentos claves en mi vida. Y soy aun peor cuando se trata del amor. Pienso en lo que hice, en lo que dije, en lo que no dije y en lo que no hice, en lo que pensé en decir. Lo pienso todo. 'Debí de hacer eso en ese momento'. O, 'La proxima vez que lo vea...' y me la paso así siempre. Yo soy de la teoría de 'la bola está en mi/su cancha', soy de las que piensan que una te toca a ti, y una me toca a mi.

Detesto ser yo la que haga todo y la que busque todo. Me gusta que haya un balance. Me gusta-- me ENCANTA sentir que hay un interés. Sentir que alguien se preocupa por mi y yo le importo de igual manera. Mi vida yo la pienso, y a veces decido sentir, o como actualmente, bloquear mis sentimientos y repeler ciertas situaciones.

Para los que pensamos, sabemos que cuando hemos sido heridos toma mucho tiempo recuperarse y pararse bien en sus dos patas, confiar de nuevo, dejarse llevar, dejarlo que fluya (lo cual personalmente, NO SOPORTO HACER, LO ODIO!!!!!!) y atreverse a sentir... (Por más lindo que eso sea, cuando nos atrevemos a hacerlo). Me encanta el amor. Me encanta sentir las cosas lindas. Pero no me gusta la decepción.

Personalmente, estoy harta de ella.

Y por eso... Mejor pienso, como siempre.

I remember...

[The Original]

I remember you, I remember the long nights that made my days happier. Every message I'd get from you. Every IM, every e-mail. I remember. I remember thinking of you nonstop, always in the back of my mind humming slowly, but always, all ways there. I remember the way we'd keep each other up til very, very late, (more than was safe for both our jobs and health) talking about everything, about you and me, and us, and our impossible future together; dreaming.

I remember all of your kind words, the ones that still up to this date, even if everything was a lie, give me hope. I don't hate you, and that's the most (I will butcher the word here) ironic part of it all. I don't hate you, not one bit, and believe me, it is quite easy for me to hate someone, and when I do, I hate deeply and thoroughly. I remember your voice and that cute little accent that had my stomach doing backflips the whole time I got to talk to you, just for that one time.

I remember all the things you said, and I've kept with me almost every conversation we've ever had. They are things I dare not erase, or delete. Sometimes they get me through the day. Like when that one time you said 'You have my heart.' and I actually thought I did, because you certainly had mine. I remember the way you made me feel, every time you gave me hope; you gave me something I didn't have. Something I was too afraid to have. I felt more things not being with you than being with someone else.

And yet, despite everything that didn't happen, and in spite of everything that did, I still have happy memories of that time, and I am still fond of you, because knowing you has made me a better person. You gave me strength, and courage, and hope, and faith, at times when these were mere words in books and dictionaries. You gave me something I hadn't had in a while. Bliss; Love. You made me better, and I am thankful every day for it.

Love, Always and Love Always.

Tiziana Antonia Bardellino

Weekly ramble.

It's been happening again lately, that my mind wanders to places far away, and sometimes, not that far, but simply so deep inside itself, that my focus and concentration are hard to reach.

This week has been... interesting <--- that, is certainly NOT the word I am looking for. It's been, weird. Long, Broke, Confused, Messed up, Tired, (And I think I just went on from describing my week, to describing, oh say, me), Cranky. It has something to do with Hormones, but I think it's unfair to blame it all on them.

The most I've been is torn and confused, but then again, a small conversation with my cab driver of the day... Yes, I do listen to them from time to time, help from some good music, re-reading an old blogpost, and deciding to send everything to hell and beyond, I think I'm getting somewhere. Or so I hope, and I do hope.

Today's the day when my life changes. Again, just a little more. But what are we without change, challenge, conquers, dreams, hope, and vision?

An empty shell.

Trials and errors...

I've had that phrase in my mind for the past few days. Glued to my mind. It's my waking thought. Almost. At least, it's my most permanent and constant thought. Everyday I walk into the agency (where I am currently doing my -first- three month intership, in hopes they'll hire me) and I am challenged with coming up with strategies, giving ideas, being the new girl and doing a good job, fresh faced and sharp eyed, full time.

I have to battle with my tiredness, the constant lack of sleep that I've brought on myself -mind you, I am NOT complaining- because I'm still working somewhere else (my brother's bar) also full time, the night shift. I am getting by with 4-6 hours of sleep every night, which is not nearly enough for me, and my foggy brain, which is already used to a nice dose of 8-10.

I have welcomed the change. It's something I needed. An urge etched deep within my bones, a thought that hasn't left my mind for over a year, still hasn't. I've made it my drug, and like a junkie, I need more. I need change.

I need MORE change. I need to cut ties, to grow my wings, spread them and fly. Fly as far away from this nest, as I know my wings can take me.

I know I sound... dissatisfied. I am. I am dissatisfied with the way I feel, the way my life has not progressed in a while, and the way I still go back to feeling that way. The sad part, is that I just realized that I relate that feeling to someone. A very specific and quite important person in my life.

I am aware that it sounds bad. It is bad, but I feel smothered. I keep on hearing how I should grow and grow up, how I should make my own path and go down that road. And yet, every time I try there's always some harsh comments behind it. I feel like it's not an option for some people to see me move forward. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. Only what they do.

I need to cut some ties. Sadly these are ties that can't be cut. Is there any other way to deal with them? I don't know. If there is, I still haven't figured it out, but I am sure I will. After all, no one holds the answers to your life like you do, and everything you ever need to know about yourself is within you. I just need to learn how to read them and trust myself. Because no one ever will like I can.

The good thing is, that I know I can make it. And I will, because I can't live with myself otherwise. There's many things in my way, and most of those things, are great things, designed just for me. Godsent.

I'm gonna make it mine,* because it's mine to make.

Love Always,
to infinity and beyond,

Tixah

*Jason Mraz - Make it Mine. I highly recommend this cheerful, hopeful, free spirited, and mood improving song.

Semicrisis

Tengo mucho que no escribo. Lo sé. Hasta Checo (que nunca ha leido mi blog...) me lo dijo. Y tiene tooooda la razón. De hecho ha sido una inconformidad a la que le he estado dando vueltas en mi cabeza. Llevo semanas pensando en qué escribir, y no encuentro. No daba pie con bola, por así decir.

Mientras iban pasando los dias, luego las semanas y creo que hasta el mes... Se me iban ocurriendo varias cosas las cuales rapidamente descartaba por desgane y falta de continuidad cerebral y desconcentración; Maravillosa desconcentración.

Ahora, en este momento no sé si estoy concentrada, pero estoy en crisis, lo cual bien puede hacer que yo me inspire y\o me concentre, dependiendo la situación y el momento. He estado un poco ocupada (lo cual no es excusa suficientemente buena como para yo dejar de escribir, pero hice un compromiso conmigo y con mi blog v 3.0), y este era que si no tenia algo bueno, coherente e interesante que decir, no lo haría. Aunque en este momento no estoy segura de que me importe mucho.) pero aquí estoy, en mi hora de almuerzo, posponiendo el hambre, las ganas de comer y la poca sanidad mental que me queda y que me elude.

Es increible como ciertas cosas pueden mandarte a un rinconcito dentro de tí misma que habías pensado que ya no existía. Como te entra ese miedito irracional, que te para-- que no permite que pienses o actúes dentro de 'la normalidad' dentro de tu normalidad. La que has creado para tí y para los demás a lo largo de tu existencia. Es tedioso saber que hay ciertas cosas que aun viven en ti y aun más dificil aceptarlo. Saber que esa parte de tu 'crecimiento' y 'madurez' son sólo una ilusión vaga e incierta. Un fantasmita que puede visitarte cuando menos lo esperas y matarte (o intentarlo...) de un susto.

Pero ya, todo eso terminó, y por ahora aquí estoy. Bien, calmada. Normal.

Lo que sea que eso quiere decir.

Un millón de besitos,
Tiziana 'Normal' / Tixah