Trials and errors...

I've had that phrase in my mind for the past few days. Glued to my mind. It's my waking thought. Almost. At least, it's my most permanent and constant thought. Everyday I walk into the agency (where I am currently doing my -first- three month intership, in hopes they'll hire me) and I am challenged with coming up with strategies, giving ideas, being the new girl and doing a good job, fresh faced and sharp eyed, full time.

I have to battle with my tiredness, the constant lack of sleep that I've brought on myself -mind you, I am NOT complaining- because I'm still working somewhere else (my brother's bar) also full time, the night shift. I am getting by with 4-6 hours of sleep every night, which is not nearly enough for me, and my foggy brain, which is already used to a nice dose of 8-10.

I have welcomed the change. It's something I needed. An urge etched deep within my bones, a thought that hasn't left my mind for over a year, still hasn't. I've made it my drug, and like a junkie, I need more. I need change.

I need MORE change. I need to cut ties, to grow my wings, spread them and fly. Fly as far away from this nest, as I know my wings can take me.

I know I sound... dissatisfied. I am. I am dissatisfied with the way I feel, the way my life has not progressed in a while, and the way I still go back to feeling that way. The sad part, is that I just realized that I relate that feeling to someone. A very specific and quite important person in my life.

I am aware that it sounds bad. It is bad, but I feel smothered. I keep on hearing how I should grow and grow up, how I should make my own path and go down that road. And yet, every time I try there's always some harsh comments behind it. I feel like it's not an option for some people to see me move forward. Like nothing I do is ever good enough. Only what they do.

I need to cut some ties. Sadly these are ties that can't be cut. Is there any other way to deal with them? I don't know. If there is, I still haven't figured it out, but I am sure I will. After all, no one holds the answers to your life like you do, and everything you ever need to know about yourself is within you. I just need to learn how to read them and trust myself. Because no one ever will like I can.

The good thing is, that I know I can make it. And I will, because I can't live with myself otherwise. There's many things in my way, and most of those things, are great things, designed just for me. Godsent.

I'm gonna make it mine,* because it's mine to make.

Love Always,
to infinity and beyond,

Tixah

*Jason Mraz - Make it Mine. I highly recommend this cheerful, hopeful, free spirited, and mood improving song.